One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders