[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.