You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!