Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.