I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant