Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Breaking news:
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
bury ourselves
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I’d love this…lol
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed