*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
mood
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Are you a cat person or a person person?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada