Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
first you must answer his riddles
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them