This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
mathematically impossible
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Peace was never an option
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!