Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?