Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets