Lassie, get help!
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.