[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?