Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
(True)
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.