You Might Also Like
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
also my go-to takeaway order
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.