Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”