My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
You Might Also Like
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.