I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.