I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill