It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.