AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
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mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.