You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf