[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’