[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?