I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You Might Also Like
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.