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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
😂💯
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.