People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
When you don’t understand how floors work
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know