I’m being attacked 😭
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s