I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
You Might Also Like
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
how long have you had this for?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Phonetics
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones