“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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next level snooze
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”