Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Duck typos.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….