*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
where do you see yourself in five years?
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO