I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Social distancing in Australia:
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.