[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
This guy gets it.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,