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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]