A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you