*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“I’m helping” 😅
But wait…
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.