Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Everything reminds me of my ex
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”