“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium