Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight