I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?