Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
started wrapping my pills in cheese
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old