If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Fries, not lies.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo