POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries