can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”