Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
that’s really how it is
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle