Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
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Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
i will not be silenced
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.