#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
this post was so formative to me
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did