I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*