“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried